Do you have any difficult clients right now? You know, the kind of client who has a really good case, but doesn’t present well?

Recently, a colleague brought me in on a case that had some of those dynamics. The client was a scattered mess when they were telling their story about some fraud that happened to them. And even though they had great facts, when it was time to prep this client to testify, they seemed shifty when talking about what happened.

Oh, shit.

It was confusing to my colleague, who is super smart and someone I’ve looked up to for a long time. But he was missing some key ingredients to get this nice individual prepped to testify.

I‘ve been practicing law almost 18 years, and I’ve noticed three main types of challenging clients.
Think of the client who worries you the most right now and consider which of the following best describes them.

1. Sometimes, we have clients who have dealt with atrocious injustice, but when they tell their story, they appear overly reserved or shut down. They minimize what happened to them. They play it cool and seem almost dismissive toward themselves.
   
2. Then you have another kind, who is so emotional it seems like their entire nervous system is on the surface of their body. They continuously replay the events and fan the flames of their anger, humiliation and fear and use you as a punching bag or therapist’s couch. Keeping up with the flurry of emails from them is like drinking from a firehose.
   
3. And finally, you have the kind who is just so overwhelmed by it all that they have trouble remembering their own name when they’re in a deposition. They stumble on the chronological sequence of events and look evasive, even when they’re not.
   

Your client might even be a combination of the above.

Regardless of the type, you’re worried that even though they have a GREAT case, you’re going to lose.

Or, be resigned to accept an unfavorable settlement because they testify poorly or you’re not willing to risk them testifying really poorly.

And, you might be subconsciously wanting to get them off your books ASAP, because the ways their personality and behavior challenge you is a distraction to getting important things done.

So what do you do in this situation? Barring those situations that warrant withdrawal, subject to applicable ethics and court rules, most lawyers do one or more of the following things:

• Blame the client for being “crazy” or difficult.
  
• Blame themselves for not being able to make the client act better.
  
• Resolve to never take on another client like that (until the next time it happens).
  

But here’s a huge clue: our clients are doing the same things to themselves. And it’s not working for them any more than it works for us.

So here’s the one thing that I’ve noticed — that most lawyers feel they do not have the time or ability to do — that makes the biggest difference with challenging clients: first, get to the client’s emotional truth and honor it.

If you don’t get to the client’s emotional truth and get them owning it, the other side drives the narrative about what the facts mean, and the litigation just leaves you and your client feeling helpless.

That’s what my colleague brought me in to help him do: get to the client’s emotional truth. And it made all the difference.

Here’s exactly what we did, so you can go try this yourself when it’s your turn to do the “emotional midwife” work of prepping a difficult, traumatized, overwhelmed or — HUMAN! — client for testimony:

1. Be a human being first, and a lawyer second. 

I first got to know the client a bit in a public place where it wasn’t appropriate to talk about the details of the case, but we could make some small talk.

Even better, spend time at the client’s house. The point is you need to be in a place where humans hang out and be human. You will learn SO much more than you will in a sterile, intimidating conference room.

2. Then, before grilling the client on details, honor the client’s dignity. You want to know everything (assume the other side already knows the unflattering stuff). But you don’t yet know everything that can help your client.

I illustrate this by drawing an iceberg on the whiteboard in the conference room, showing how much more of the iceberg is beneath the surface of the ocean.

I explain that much of what might come out and be aired in public is the tip of the iceberg, and some of the stuff under there might be privileged, but I need to know everything underneath, including how it all feels.

3. Tap into your curiosity as a feeling person, not as a fact-finder plugging facts into elements of the claim or defense.
If there’s something the client doesn’t want to talk about, ask WHY? If there is something the client won’t shut up about, WHY do they keep harping on it?

Ask WHY not in a grilling way, but in a loving way. Keep asking why until you get to some judgment the client has against themselves about the ordeal.

This gets you to the core emotion that is making them “difficult.” Hint: it’s often shame. Shame is often under surface emotions like anger, obsessiveness and minimizing.

4. Offer to the client that the shame (or other core emotion) they feel is because they are blaming themselves.

Even if they have done a few things wrong, so what? Nobody’s perfect.

Victim shaming is a real thing, and often the victims do it to themselves.

When your client stops shaming themselves, wonderful things happen with their confidence under pressure.

Your client stops hating themselves so much in the context of the case.

Usually then your client becomes much easier to prepare, because you have cleared away a bunch of mental b.s. about who the villain is in the story.

Your client often gets a sense of relief that makes them easier on you, as well. You have created a safe space for the client. You stop hating and fearing your own client.

Tip: Give the job of “emotional truth finder” to a colleague (I suggest myself). When we are lawyers, we skillfully wear a lot of hats. But sometimes when we are in the “gear” of heated litigation for weeks or months with a certain client, often, our focus best remains there. Bring me in instead.

It can help a lot to let a fresh voice come in to get the human side of the client’s story. This is what my colleague wisely did when he brought me in, and this is one of the most powerful ways I can help you too.